


Kissing Stars

by XhaotixAesthetica



Category: K-pop, iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: I Blame Tumblr, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, M/M, Why Did I Write This?, and all their shitty aesthetics, angst if you squint, but it's mostly personal angst, but the relationship comes out of nowhere, hanbin is a scaredy cat, i mentioned the stars and space so much in this jfc, i ship double b and junhwan wtf, i was listening to spring day when i wrote this so you can imagine, idk how to tag, it's really cute though, junbin, junhoe is willing to wait for him, the cheese is real istg, why is it so abstract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 02:50:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11614350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XhaotixAesthetica/pseuds/XhaotixAesthetica
Summary: Why, after all these years, is cowardice still his vice? How long will it rule his life? How long before he can let himself tell the tall blonde boy with stardust in his voice and a million burning suns in his eyes that we wants to explore every single into of him, mentally, physically, emotionally. In every single way he possibly can.





	Kissing Stars

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was supposed to be starting on another fanfic, and that's why the romance seems to come out of nowhere cause this was supposed to be for a completely different thing. Like, seriously, idk how this even happened. I ship Double B and Junhwan, where did this even come from?

Hanbin wasn't sure when it had all gotten to be too much.

He didn't know when music became too loud or the mirrors too reflective. Had no clue when he developed the ability to see so many flaws in himself, in his team, his music, his leadership, God, just- everything.

Had they always been there? Hiding in the shadows to bite him just when he'd been about to break through the door to success?

Or maybe it was that very door that brought them about? Maybe he'd been imagining the world that lay beyond for so long that he'd forgotten how to pick the lock.

Though his teammates are getting their allotted three hours of sleep, Seoul is far from quiet and Hanbin is far from tired. He is exhausted, but tonight is one of those nights where sleep is something his mind just cannot comprehend.

He desperately wished to use his earbuds, manipulate the beats and chords of songs long inserted into his psyche as a way to escape the overwhelming sensations of the five am city streets.

But he knew better.

In this state of mind, listening to artists as talented, skilled, and accomplished as Tablo, G-Dragon, T.O.P, or any other person he even remotely looked up to would only bring him down.

He was already falling, deep, hard, and fast. Screaming for help as the weight of six brother's dreams teetered dangerously on his shoulders.

Jinhwan-hyung could help. Bobby could try to cheer him up. But they couldn't be with him constantly. At some point in time, that crushing weight would find him once more. Hanbin didn't have the luxury of running from it either.

Not when the people counting on him were so pure. So hard-working. So fucking close to his heart.

When he was younger, people had always assumed his wish to be a solo artist was out of some sense of entitlement or self-righteousness. No one would ever know that it spawned from something much more disgusting.

Cowardice.

Hanbin was no fool. He could see what being a leader did to people, the famous G-Dragon being a prime example. Having to balance at least four others lives on top of himself and when you finally think they can go on without you, live their own lives with their own careers in their own houses, you realize that you'd taken care of everyone but yourself. You had no clue who you even were anymore. Just a lost bit of stardust in an endless galaxy of bright-hot nebulas.

Not only was Hanbin sure he couldn't handle the responsibility, he was undoubtedly sure he didn't want it. Unfortunately Hanbin was also ambitious, practically worshipping his superiors. If YG asked him to jump off a building, he'd probably do it, no questions asked.

The streets occupied with their usual clutter, no one spared a second glance at the lanky boy meandering down, black hood pulled over his head and face mask concealing his identity.

Hanbin wouldn't pretend he had some outrageously numbered fanbase, but to say there would be a sudden fan-swarm around him without the use of disguise, even at five in the morning, wasn't that ludicrous of a statement.

He had no clue where he was even going. God, there was nowhere _to_ go. Even if it was a reasonable time of day, bouncing back and forth from country to country didn't exactly leave him with a lot of time to get close to people willing to listen to him without immediately going off on a tangent about how "idols have it easy" or "everyone gets sad sometimes."

Instead Hanbin settled for curling up on a park bench, unwanted flashbacks of Mix & Match vaulting through his brain.

At least now he had the comfort of knowing there'd be no one frantically worrying over his whereabouts. Or so he thought.

Because it's only about twenty minutes later that his phone vibrates with a text from someone that makes Hanbin's eyes widen in something akin to disbelief.

Junhoe.

_Hyung, where the hell are you?! I'm worried sick._

Contrary to the anti's opinions, Goo Junhoe was not the insensitive asshole everyone made him out to be. Hanbin liked to think of him as an intricate painting, woven from hundreds of carefully selected shades of colors, darkest on the surface but impossibly bright at the core. It just took time to work through the numerous layers. Time Hanbin was ashamed to say he'd never put in.

It was not that he didn't care, Hanbin had an endless fountain of love for all his members. There was nothing he wouldn't do for them.

But Hanbin, despite his charismatic leader appearance was impossibly bad at people. For Jinhwan and Bobby, God, it came so easy. People they'd known for twenty minutes found themselves doing things they'd never do otherwise all for the sakes of seeing the bright smile on their faces. But Hanbin . . . . he was awkward. He was shy. But he was also a leader. Bull-headed and strong with an appearance to maintain. He had to look like he didn't care, instead of just admitting that he was scared.

Bobby and Jinhwan were so close to him because they'd initiated. Donghyuk and Yunhyeong too, even their silent maknae Satanwoo to a certain extent. But Junhoe, Junhoe was not an initiator. He was also hostile. A combination that just made it impossible for Hanbin to force himself to get close to him, no matter how much he wanted to.

Junhoe was the last person Hanbin would've thought would be looking for him.

_I'm out clearing my head. The other's aren't awake, are they?_

Hanbin prayed not. If Jinhwan found out Hanbin was out like this, he'd force him to have a "heart-to-heart" again just like in Mix & Match and that was the last thing Hanbin needed.

_No, just me. Where are you, I'll come get you. Or do you want to be alone?_

Hanbin almost started as his brain processed the words on the screen in front of him.

No one had ever seemed to trust him with the latter option.

For all that people admired Hanbin's strength and "impassivity"  whenever someone even got the remotest sense he was anything less than OK (which they usually didn't as he'd become a master at hiding his emotions over the years) they automatically attached to him like leeches, attempting to suck out all the worries Hanbin knew he'd have to deal with by himself anyways.

For some reason it was human nature to think that when someone was sad that it wasn't OK. That they couldn't deal with it on their own. That they were too weak to take care of themselves. And if there was one thing Kim Hanbin hated, it was feeling weak.

_No need, I'm on my way home._

Hanbin stared at the screen typing out a tentative  _Can I sleep with you, when I get there?_

The rapper chewed his lip nervously, deliberating in his head for at least a good minute before hastily erasing it.

In the back of his mind, Hanbin wonderered how many important words get erased, never to be said, be they mentally or physically.

How many actually end up being said sooner or later?

Hanbin wonders many things on his way home that night.

Why, after all these years, is cowardice still his vice? How long will it rule his life? How long before he can let himself tell the tall blonde boy with stardust in his voice and a million burning suns in his eyes that he wants to explore every single inch of him, mentally, physically, emotionally. In every single way he possibly can.

Hanbin did know the answer but judging by the constricting pain in his chest the more he dwelled on the question, it wasn't one he would be particularly pleased at himself for giving.

Too cowardly to even speak his mind to himself.

The moment Hanbin walked in the door, Junhoe was on him. He wasn't touching him but with how close he was and how many times he reached out before grimacing and pulling back, he might as well have been.

Habin could see the vocal trying to maintain the cool, confident mask everyone normally attributed to him, but he was failing spectacularly, hovering over Hanbin in a way that would've given a helicopter a run for its money."Hyung, are you alright? What happened? Why'd you leave?"

"I'm fine, Jun-ah, I just needed to think."

"Oh. Well . . . do you want to talk about it?"

Hanbin sighed, shaking his head. "Not really."

Junhoe nodded, eyes still worried but body noticably more relaxed.

The air between them was charged with electricity, shocks from their mutual attraction extending outside the universes they each held within themselves to make themselves more known in the physical realm.

_How long would Hanbin spend his life a coward?_

Junhoe was not like him. He did not at all seem to hesitate because of his own feelings. It was Hanbin's that gave him pause.

"Please." he croaked out, eyes searching Hanbin's desperately like he'd break down at any moment.

It was not Hanbin's leader reflexes that made weak for the boy, they're sweet but piky giant ex-maknae.

It was something else, something instinctual. Something that had driven Junhoe and Hanbin together and apart simultaneously all along. They'd never understand it, but no one could.

Hanbin thought that if he could be kissed by a star, it would feel something like what was happening to him now.

Junhoe was undoubtedly taller than him, a statement that could be said for most around the boy, but he submitted to Hanbin instantly as the rapper wound his arms around his waist and pulled him into his embrace.

But the submission wasn't received in a way that made Hanbin feel burdened or responsible. Instead he felt special, needed, wanted.

For once in his life he didn't feel like a goddamn failure if he's made someone as unattainable as Goo Junhoe happy.

Junhoe's mouth felt explosive against his, the kiss sparking every emotion Hanbin had ever felt in the most beautiful and sad melody to ever float through Hanbin's weighed down mind. He knew it would one day be a song.

He had no idea why he was the one crying into the kiss when it had been Junhoe who had needed comforting.

Hanbin was still a coward but despite the fact, he still ended up laying in Junhoe's bed instead of his own anyways.

"Hyung?" Junhoe asked, playing with Hanbin's long fingers that made song after song which Junhoe would probably sing no matter what the lyrics. Not for the sake of his _career_ or for _YG_ , but for Hanbin because Junhoe loved him.

Junhoe knew Hanbin was still figuring things out but he was quickly walking in Junhoe's direction and for their emotionally stunted leader, that was much more than Junhoe had ever hoped for.

Hanbin hummed lazily, fingers carding softly through Junhoe's hair, eyes closed and face calm but only a little closer to sleep than he had been an hour ago.

"Let's just say that, hypothetically, of course, I was maybe . . . well, a little in love with you and . . . and I thought that maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself because you're gorgeous and perfect in every way, what would you say?"

Hanbin's eyes were wide open by now, staring at Junhoe with an emotion the love-struck vocal knew he'd never be able to decipher but that was OK.

He knew that, contrary to harlequin and YA novels, love wasn't about magically being able understand everything about the person. It was about  loving the things that you couldn't understand and never would. And that person loving you enough to accept that it was something you couldn't understand and stay with you even though someone else could.

"I'd say, hypothetically, of course, that I want you by my side and to please be patient with me because if you play your cards right, it won't be long before I can say those three words back to you."

Junhoe thought that falling asleep with a smile on your face was a myth but that night, in Hanbin's arms, he found that it was not.

 


End file.
